As a married woman of almost 12 years, I've learned much about how to make a relationship work long-term. As I approach 40, I find myself feeling farther and farther removed from today's 20-somethings and the challenges that come from that life-changing, stressful decade of growth. Does that make me feel old? Yeah, kinda. But it also makes me feel wise.
1. Attaining adult milestones is not a race.
I was insanely jealous and miserable all throughout 2002 because many of my girlfriends were getting engaged, while I was not (Mike did finally propose on Valentines Day, 2003–when he was ready to). Eleven years and two children later, it makes no difference whatsoever that Kristen, Bernadette and Jenn were married in 2003 and I was married in 2004. Really, none.
2. "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" is no joke.
Having a partner who is "hot," and "makes good money" don't mean squat when one of you gets diagnosed with cancer (Mike), or hospitalized for Crohn's disease (me), or experiences a five-year bout of secondary infertility (both of us). Find a partner that you truly care about; somebody who you know in your gut will support you through the best and the worst of times, and vice versa.
3. Accept that there will always be minor things about the other person that bother you, because no relationship is perfect.
Mike constantly leaves his dirty clothes on the floor, he leaves dirty cups on the counter directly above the empty dishwasher, and he takes forever in the bathroom. I roll my eyes and let it go rather than complain like I did 15 years ago, because I have realized that I'm not his mother and in the grand scheme of things, these annoyances are minor, and when you live with someone for almost two decades, you can't expect perfection.
4. Don't be afraid to disagree with your partner.
Five years after we bought a house that I hated, I finally admitted to Mike that I had no interest in rebuilding the old fixer upper we purchased, and that the idea of renting out half of our duplex and sharing our home with strangers scared me to death. He was, understandably not very pleased to find this out years after our closing, and it took a long time for us both to work through the resentment that resulted from the experience. Speak up.
5. Before making a major relationship commitment, make sure you both have similar future plans.
Mike and I discussed early on that we both wanted children, and while he didn't think getting married was as necessary as I did, he assured me that would be part of our plans if it was that important to me. You want kids and he doesn't? At age 25 it may not seem like a deal breaker, however what seems "way, way, in the future" today, will eventually be a decision you will have to make- sometimes sooner than you anticipated.
6. Be able to take care of you, without your partner, just in case.
Mike and I hit a rough patch in our marriage and separated in 2010, making me an instant single mom for a year and a half. I was able to pay all of our bills, take care of a house, and raise a three-year-old all by myself, and when he and I reconciled, it was because we wanted to, not because we needed to. Be independent, not codependent.
7. Sex is better now than it was in our 20s.
Though much less frequent, sex is better now than it was in our firm-bodied 20s because Mike and I have a deeper connection after all of these years together. Also, I loved my husband before we had children, but knowing him as a dad makes him 1,000 times sexier.
8. Make sure that you feel comfortable naked in front of your partner.
I never had issues being naked in front of Mike because he always made me feel like the most beautiful woman on Earth whether I was 20, 30, or (almost) 40. Every person should be made to feel that way by their partner, without question.
9. Don't settle.
Does this person make you feel happy most, if not all, of the time? Is this person worth fighting for? Do you love this person? Ask yourself these questions every so often. Make sure your answers are always "yes." Don't settle for anything less.
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